To the War
by ancientmaverick
Summary: A short look at preAtlantis Sheppard, just come back from his first mission.


AN: Pre-series, just after Sheppard's first mission (doesn't matter where). I swear I wasn't trying to make it confusing.

Song is _Minstrel Boy_ by Thomas Moore. I highly recommend the version on the _Black Hawk Down_ soundtrack.

xXxXxAtlantisxXxXx

"_First time, huh?"_

"_Yeah."_

"_Always the hardest."_

**The minstrel boy to the war is gone,**

Always the hardest. If Lieutenant Sheppard had a dollar for every time he'd heard that in Officer's Training, he never would have had to join the Air Force.

**In the ranks of death you will find him;**

Of course, after his first mission, his first time killing someone, he understood what they meant.

**His father's sword he hath girded on,**

It would happen again. Many times, and he thought he might eventually get past the nightmares, forget the recoil of the gun into his shoulder, stop thinking about the hollow eyes that stared up at him.

**And his wild harp slung behind him; **

His friends had joked about it before leaving, even made a pact to buy a beer for the first of them to take that awful step. John had not heard from any of them in the past three months, and finally understood why. There was nothing worth celebrating in death.

**"Land of Song!" cried the warrior bard,**

It would not have been so horrible, perhaps, if the first time had not been quickly followed by the second, third and fourth. The mission had quickly dissolved into little more than a desperate race to stay alive.

**"Tho' all the world betrays thee,**

"_Bad intel. Shit happens."_

**One sword, at least, thy rights shall guard,**

Yeah, shit happens, and it's always the young who get to clean it up. "War is hell," his father had delightfully repeated to him over and over. John had rolled his eyes, told him he got it, but now he knew his father had been wrong.

**One faithful harp shall praise thee!"**

It wasn't the war that was hell. It was the moments in between. As long as he was fighting, he wasn't thinking about anything else, he didn't have to close the eyes of children who weren't able to run fast enough, wouldn't have to pull screaming infants from the arms of their dead mothers.

Didn't have to think about why he was there.

**The Minstrel fell! But the foeman's steel**

He wondered if everyone went through this. Finally understood why the subject had been looked upon with distaste and regret by his instructors.

**Could not bring that proud soul under;**

He'd been trained for this, knew exactly what he was doing while he did it. He did not question the necessity of his actions. If it had been him alone on that hill, it might have ended differently. But he could not let anything happen to the men around him, would not let them suffer for a fit of conscience.

**The harp he lov'd ne'er spoke again,**

It did not, however, mean he had to like it. It did not mean he would hide the slight shaking of his hands as he reached for his gun before the next mission.

**For he tore its chords asunder;**

There were many, of course, who laughed about it, delighted in listing the details of every single one. John stayed away from them, didn't want to take the chance of becoming like them.

**And said "No chains shall sully thee,**

Over time, he thought he might begin to lose count. The first would always stay with him, haunt his dreams, but eventually, he knew, it would be impossible to remember them all.

**Thou soul of love and brav'ry!**

He felt slightly horrified when he realized that he was becoming desensitized to it. He fought against it, knowing that this was the first step to feeling nothing at all.

**Thy songs were made for the pure and free**

But he refused to feel everything. Instead, he set aside a small part of his soul, shoved everything dark and terrible into the deepest recesses of his mind. He would draw on it when needed, but it would be no one's burden but his own.

**They shall never sound in slavery!"**

They had been right. The first time _was_ the hardest. It was the loss of innocence. And the realization that he could never get it back.

xXxXxAtlantisxXxXx

**Challenge!!! Write a story (long or short, though I like long-un's) about Shep's pre-Atlantis days. At some point in the story, however briefly, someone from our shining city must meet Sheppard. Have fun!**


End file.
